


In This Life

by shinygreenwords, SlytherinMalfoySnape (shinygreenwords)



Category: Star Trek: 2009
Genre: Character Study, Drama, F/M, M/M, Mind Meld, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-12
Updated: 2011-01-12
Packaged: 2017-10-14 17:05:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/151532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinygreenwords/pseuds/shinygreenwords, https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinygreenwords/pseuds/SlytherinMalfoySnape
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock finds himself choosing between the life he has lived and the live he has yet to live, between his own choices and those of Spock Prime. Response to st xi kink prompt: "This grief is crowned with consolation." Spock Prime/Kirk Prime, Spock/Uhura.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In This Life

**Author's Note:**

> **Warnings:** Brief, non-explicit mentions of Spock Prime/Kirk Prime SLASH.
> 
> This is a character study of Spock. I wanted to address the issues caused by the time travel and the shipping between old Trek's Kirk/Spock and new Trek's Spock/Uhura.

The mission was simple. _The Enterprise_ was to deliver supplies to Vulcan II, docking for approximately one Terran week to oversee the development of the new Vulcan Colony. Spock was to offer his help in the scientific department particularly in regard to the reconstruction of architecture and replication of significant cultural artifacts.

It was not the mission that concerned him. The mission was logical. However, Spock had conscientiously avoided his alternate self. This was illogical and difficult but he managed to do it.

Instead, he occupied his social company with those of his crew, in particular Uhura and attempted to reconcile with his father. Not that Sarek would admit to as irrational and emotional response as bearing a grudge but the tension between them had not diminished. Spock stood by the decision he made and he would not rescind his StarFleet position. Yet he knew that with the destruction of their home planet, now was not the time for them to deny their familial connection. Now that his mother was no longer alive to mediate between them.

He knew that Spock Prime was seeking him. His counterpart was not inconspicuous about why he sought his younger self: the Ambassador wanted to talk to him about his relationship with the Jim Kirk of his timeline. But Spock did not know what to say to his alternate self regarding this matter. He found it awkward when the Ambassador spoke of _His Jim_ and _Your Jim._ He obviously felt that such informality with the Captain was appropriate and Spock did not know how to disabuse him of the notion.

Spock would concede that he felt an uncomfortable longing, a human emotion he would identify as ... jealousy. He was envious of his alternate self. After all, his counterpart was able to spend much of his lifetime with his mother. Time he thought he would have too. He did not have to witness his mother disappear in front of him. For this, Spock still blamed himself. And if Spock Prime was part of himself, part of him felt it was only logical to blame him as well. Why could he not have come back to help himself? All of his reasoning now went beyond logic but he found that he could not put it aside. If asked, he would say he had no particular emotion for Spock Prime because Vulcans do not express such illogical predilections. However, he knew that he did _dislike_ his counterpart.

Another reason that Spock was avoiding the Ambassador Spock even via electronic transmission was that he liked to ask him about _Your Jim._ It was obvious that his counterpart had a close friendship and respect for Kirk, regardless of which timeline he was in. The Ambassador did not seem disturbed that this Captain Kirk was not from his timeline. Perhaps he did not care. But the fondness was apparently and the grief. It was too soon still from his loss and he did not want to see that in his own eyes. His mother's eyes that would appear untouched even by age. He was surprised that he looked even more human as he aged.

" _Because you needed each other. I could not deprive you of the revelation of all that you could accomplish together, of a friendship that will define you both in ways you cannot yet realize. "_

James T. Kirk was his captain and Spock respected him. It was a begrudging respect borne of his rank at first but Spock had come to understand that this human did have extraordinary innovative thinking even if he was completely inconsistent. Spock felt that Ambassador Spock was too forceful in trying to put them together. Spock mused that the Ambassador could be called the human equivalent of a 'matchmaker'. It was as if he wanted to vicariously project his future onto him. His elder counterpart assumed that he could understand him because he was him but that was not entirely true. Spock understood that he and Spock Prime had exactly the same biological make-up but the circumstances of their lives were different. His own counterpart's meddling had ensured that it would be irreversibly so. So things had changed in the most unprecedented way. Spock did not have the self-assurance that his counterpart developed, nor the confidence of his own ability to play with timelines. He wondered how the Ambassador came to be so. Rather, standing next to the Ambassador only reminded him of how much more...incomplete broken he was. As illogical as that may be.

Spock surmised that the human adage was true. You cannot run from your past. Spock Prime would find him and his own pattern of avoidance was behaviour unbecoming of a Vulcan. Since today was his last day present on Vulcan II and he departed in thirteen point nine minutes, he expected that any moment now his counterpart would turn up.

His counterpoint did not disappoint.

"Commander Spock," the elderly Vulcan greeted calmly.

Spock inclined his head in acknowledgment. "Ambassador Spock."

The elder Vulcan's lips quirked upwards at the corners and it was obvious he found their current situation amusing. "You can be very difficult to locate, Commander."

"I apologise," Spock said in clipped tones. "I have been otherwise occupied."

"Of course. I too apologise if I have made you uncomfortable in seeking you. That was not my intention."

Spock merely nodded. "How may I be of assistance to you, Ambassador?"

"I wish to explain some matters of great personal importance," the Ambassador began in a low voice though the hangar in which they were standing was empty. "I have been trying to tell you that the captain Jim of my timeline was my t'hy'la. This is why I have been what you might deem...interfering. You must forgive me because even though your Jim is not of my timeline, I can feel similarities in him. It is as if the bond is bought alive with his presence. You will experience something so great, if you will only bond with him. You will have so many great adventures together. I wish to ensure that you will not miss out on so great a blessing. Please, promise me, no, promise yourself this." The Ambassador seemed overcome with emotion, the words jumbling in a show of human vulnerability.

Spock knew what the Ambassador was asking and he sympathised with his counterpart. He imagined if he were to lose Uhura he would be emotionally compromised to that state in which his counterpart found himself in. Still. "You ask too much of me, Ambassador," he said. This news, thought he had suspected it, was still a shock. His counterpart had lost his t'hy'la. The pain was unthinkable, unimaginable. "Forgive me, I...I cannot."

"You must," the elder Vulcan insisted. "I understand that you feel that you have found companionship with Uhura but I know, even if I seem emotionally compromised, I _know_ in my heart that you are not meant to be with her. I know that it is right to be with Jim. I beg you. Forgive me this but you must bond with Jim."

The half-Vulcan in front of him seemed to age visibly even though Spock knew that this was impossible. Spock noted that his counterpart's hair was gracefully streaked with silver even though he had few wrinkles. He supposed that was why humans thought his counterpart looked very wise. Yet his elder counterpart seemed burdened with sorrow, eyes filling with unshed tears. Spock turned his gaze away, staring at his Star Fleet issue boots. "Then you must forgive me for my decision, Ambassador. You advised me to put aside logic and do what feels right to me. I choose to remain with Lieutenant Uhura. This is what feels right to me."

The older Vulcan insisted, "Know that you cannot avoid destiny. He and you are destined to be. It is your destiny to be at Jim's side."

Spock looked at his counterpart with renewed conviction, troubled but unable to give in. He could not bond with Jim, not when Uhura was his. That did not feel right to him. He did not want to terminate his relationship with her. Being with the human female was his choice to make, not anyone else's even if the person requesting this of him was himself from another timeline. "Perhaps it is so," he conceded. "If events occur to be thus I shall not contest it. However, it is my belief that we are living parallel universes. We are and we are not the same. In your universe, you chose to be with Captain Kirk. But in this life, I choose to be with Lieutenant Uhura."

"I am not saying that she is any less worthy a candidate but she is not who completes you." An edge of desperation had filtered into the elder Vulcan's speech, distorting his usually calm tones.

"Ambassador Spock," Spock spoke his own name to catch his counterpart's attention. "With all due respect, Captain Kirk will not mean any less to me because I wish to bond with Uhura. I serve him as my captain. You yourself said that the course of destiny has already changed then it is only...logical that other aspects may be different. "

"Duly noted. Then is it not logical to walk in the same ways as the past simply because we can know what glories that will bring? To take advice from someone who has walked this path before? It is an illogical risk. To borrow from the human analogy, you will regret the road not taken. "

"I take your words into my consideration but I am afraid you will not be able to convince me. I can only make one choice. I can only have one t'hy'la. I choose not to be logical, Ambassador. I willing take the risk of regret because I feel that the alternate loss will be greater. Please consider that this may be the right path for me now, in this life, in light of everything that has changed. This is what feels right to me." He emphasised that latter part, hoping that his counterpart would understand. He did not want to dispute over the issue of his counterpart's t'hy'la – it would be disrespectful. He knew that Uhura accepted him for who he was despite what he felt, despite what he didn't feel. Even in the greatest time of need when he was emotionally compromised, she had not abandoned him. He did not care that he had no logical reason, Uhura was right for him. Spock had not met anyone else like her that stirred his emotions so and in such a pleasant way. She was not afraid of him even though she had seen him misuse his strength against his captain. His captain who had forgiven him even with all the foibles of the humans. It was no secret that Jim could incite emotion out of him as well and Jim was an incredible individual. But Uhura...his Nyota...was beyond words.

"I understand. I accept that this Uhura has qualities which are attractive to you. Your defense of your decision was sound. I will respect your decision. And I will accept Uhura is your...your t'hy'la." It is clear that the elder Vulcan found the admission difficult but Spock is grateful that he does not ask more of him. "My best wishes to you."

Spock can hear the disappointment and grief colouring the Ambassador's voice and though it is for different reasons, Spock knows that they are sharing the same emotions. This grief is crowned with consolation, he thought, at least the Ambassador will be able to see his t'hy'la live a second time. And Spock has his life ahead of him. He needs to make his own choices as he always had. He still has so much more to gain from this life.

"And to you, Ambassador. I hope you find peace," Spock says sincerely, spreading his fingers in the traditional hand salute. He watched the Ambassador with a mixture of relief and sadness as the elder Vulcan retreated to the new Vulcan colony. Spock does not let himself grieve for too long. He has a ship to catch, a Captain to serve and his bond mate to love. They were waiting for him.


	2. In This Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of 'In This Life'. Spock must explain to Uhura the choice he has made.
> 
> Warning: Brief, non-explicit mentions of Spock Prime/Kirk Prime slash. Kissing of the Vulcan and human variety. Spock/Uhura. Also random 'Heroes' reference. (Sylar totally sounds like it could be a Vulcan name D:)
> 
> This part is for Oberon7.

When Uhura asked to speak with him about a certain Ambassador on Vulcan II, Spock was not surprised. It was what he would have done after all. If Kirk really meant so much to his other self, if he really was his t'hy'la – his counterpart would not have relied on convincing his younger self. No, Spock Prime must have had a contingency plan. He only hoped that his counterpart was as chivalrous as he and would keep his word in the end.

Gesturing Lieutenant Uhura to the privacy of his quarters, Uhura waited until the door slid shut before speaking. It was clear that she was agitated. Yet it did appear that she had trouble articulating what was on her mind. Normally he did not gesture when speaking but he spread his palms out facing her in the human gesture of surrender. "I believe you have indicated that you have something of importance that you wished to speak to me about."

It was all the permission that Uhura needed to speak freely and she unleashed her fury. Once she might have been wary of his status as Commander and First Officer but she knew Spock enough to know when he was being himself and when he was hiding behind the Vulcan facade. "I don't believe this. Why didn't you tell me?"

"In regards to?"

"Will you even tell me the truth?" Before he could answer, she said hotly, "No, don't give me that bullshit about 'Vulcans cannot lie'. I'm asking you to tell me the truth Spock."

"Of course, Nyota," Spock said agreeably. He did not understand the reason for her anger considering he had yet to do something wrong. He came to the conclusion that she must be mistaken in her assumption of his guilt. A situation which must be rectified. "Do you wish for us to mindmeld?"

Nyota seemed taken aback. As a xenolinguist, she knew well the implications of the question. Putting her hands on her hips she said, "Is this a...Are you taunting me?"

Spock was puzzled, eyebrows knitted tightly. "I do not understand. My request was not formulated to increase your ire rather it was to placate it." The only sign of Spock's frustration was the stiffness of his jaw. "You accuse me of lying therefore I offer the option of a mindmeld in which you can be assure that I cannot lie. It is the most logical solution."

"Fine. Do it. " She said out of gritted teeth.

Spock was concerned, uncomfortable with the idea. "You must relax Nyota or it may be...painful." When she did not cease her frown as he placed his fingers on her psi points to link them, he stopped again. "Please," he said awkwardly, unused to having to coax someone. "I know you are displeased with me but I have no desire to hurt you."

Nyota smoothed lines out of her face and took a deep breath. When he could see that she was calm, he linked them together saying, "My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts." It took a while for him to adjust to her mind, a flurry of emotions hitting him. Anger. Frustration. Fear. Hurt. Betrayal. He had to quickly re-establish his mind shields and it took all his control not to delve into her mind and try to sooth out the kinks in her psyche. No, Nyota would not appreciate that right now. Spock took note of this alternative. In the future perhaps. Right now he had to focus on Uhura. Her mind version of herself was obviously unhappy, her hands were crossed tightly over her chest. He could not help but feel that even in her displeasure, she was a pleasure to watch. Her dark skin glowed in his mindscape of her, glistening softly like an otherworldly being.

However, Nyota's determined inquisition interrupted his thoughts. She was projecting very strongly her need to know the truth. Spock would have preferred to leave some of his privacy shields in place but he knew that she would perceive it as hiding the truth so he dropped all his defences, hoping to appease her. He could deal with embarrassment. He could not deal with losing her. His Vulcan pride and modesty would have to compromise for her human needs. Still, he acquiesced without complaint because he knew that this was right. It would be alright between them.

"Is it true you can only have one bondmate at any one time?"

"Yes." He was expecting questions about his alternate self so this took him by surprise.

"We'll get to that, Spock," she snapped, not caring that she was rudely probing his mind. "And once you've touched their mind you know for sure?"

"Yes."

Uhura was obviously upset at his responses and he wanted to know why but he did not want to push into her mind. "Why didn't you tell me? I would have understood. When were you going to tell me about your t'hy'la? "

"I did not feel that it was necessary nor relevant to divulge the details of my, that is my counterpart's, bondmate to you," Spock let his confusion filter through.

Her mind's voice raised in volume. "So you didn't think it was relevant that you are just toying around with me?"

"I do not understand, Nyota." Seeing her increasing distress, he decided that they needed to confirm that they were indeed using the same frame of reference. "You are referring to meeting my counterpart, Ambassador Sylar or as he revealed to you Ambassador Spock?"

"No...yes!"

Spock felt himself raise an eyebrow, his mindscape matching that of his physical body. "I am assuming that he told you about the personal nature of his relationship with Captain Kirk."

"Yes. He said 'you' were, are intimate." The latter part was said with waves of emotion, mostly hurt and longing. Finally, Spock understood. Nyota believed that he would abandon her for Kirk. Perhaps he thought that he was using the relationship as a fabrication until he could be intimate with his Captain.

"That would be correct. And you are assuming by what Sylar said that I will also be intimate with this Captain Kirk?" He refused to refer to Sylar as himself as he felt that Spock Prime was a separate self. He did not have the same experiences or the same memories. After all is it not the very essence of how you remember yourself which makes you?

"You are saying 'you' lied to me?"

"I'm saying my other self may have implied some truths that may be misleading."

Nyota was ever the scholar, she was curious. "Tell me about your alternate self then."

"I know you refer to him as me and my alternate self and indeed he is my counterpart but he is not me," Spock said emphatically. "He is me from another timeline. He has had experiences that I've had but he has also had experiences I have not had. Those circumstances alone mark us as entirely different individuals."

"So you share the same heritage and genetic makeup and some circumstances of upbringing but not others?" Uhura said, working it out in her mind.

"Correct. Particularly in regard...in regard to my mother."

"I'm sorry about that Spock," Uhura said gently.

He could feel the sincerity of her statement and he touched his mind to hers, feeling a spark jump. She gasped a little, her projection of herself flickering a little as she juggled her corporeal and mental forms.

"Thank you."

Their minds touched for a little longer, but Spock could feel that she was still pondering over what he said. "So let me get this straight. You have an alternate self from another timeline who is you but not really you who was and is kind of still in love with the Captain James T. Kirk of his timeline but you, er, Ambassador Sylar is trying to convince me that your one true love is this Captain Kirk also. But you're telling me now that you are not like Sylar, because things have changed and that you're er in..you...you're with me," she finished lamely.

"I am in love with you, Nyota, yes." Spock was amused at the way she was working this out, accepting that Sylar and him were both same and different. He could feel the heat of her mind flush with embarrassment that he had said the words so plainly. In the privacy of their minds, he did not mind revealing personal thoughts, even emotions, as a mindmeld is the utmost demonstration of intimacy for a Vulcan when both minds are completely unshielded.

"But, Sylar said that you had to touch your t'hy'la's mind to know for sure and you have not touched mine," Nyota said with disappointment colouring her mind's voice. "Not until now."

Spock gave a slight nod to acknowledge her statement. "No, not until now. But you misunderstand, Nyota. Please let me explain." With the mind link in place, he was prepared for this. It felt right for him to tell her of his affection for her. He had thought she would have known that his volunteering to meld with her was a sign of his trust and vulnerability in her presence. He would not miss the chance to reaffirm his commitment to their courtship. "A mindmeld is one way to know beyond doubt that one is your bondmate. However, the act of offering a mindmeld with one's mind completely open to another's is often sufficient evidence of trust. It is not the act of melding that is significant but the implication that one would entrust the very essence of your self to be revealed to another. Lying is not a factor – there is no need to lie with someone who accepts your very being. With you, I did not need to know, as you stated 'for sure', to know that I wanted to bond with you." He could feel her astonishment and affection for him through their linked minds. Now, he knew most certainly that Uhura was indeed his t'hy'la.

Uhura cocked her head sideways with a little smile. "Isn't that...illogical?"

"Perhaps. But I am human too," Spock conceded. With Uhura, he did not mind being human. "It would be dishonest, even more illogical, for me to deny my human heritage." Spock wanted to chase away even the faintest shadows of doubt in her mind. "I have chosen you since the beginning of our courtship and I chose you, Nyota Uhura as my bondmate. My t'hy'la. It is not a matter of options for me. There is no other. I cannot speak for my other self but this Spock belongs with you. That Spock, he can see no other for him because his Captain Kirk is his bondmate in his universe and perhaps in every universe. That is the way I am with you. If I had to live this life over, I have and always will choose you."

"Oh Spock," Uhura said, feeling herself tear up. "I'm so sorry."

Spock let the intensity of the mindmeld fade a little, withdrawing from deep inside the mindscape so he could see her face. Tenderly, Spock wiped her tears away. "Do not be upset, Nyota. There is no need to apologise."

She wiped more tears away with the back of her hand and smiled. "Don't worry, I'm happy. I'm really happy." Uhura's hand ghosted the side of Spock's face, touching him hesitantly, feeling the warmth of his skin against hers. "You're blushing," she said with amusement. "I'm sorry I doubted you."

"No," Spock said, leaning into her touch slightly, his hand covering hers. He entwined their fingers together as she opened her hand for a Vulcan kiss. "I am sorry that you did not know how much you meant to me, my t'hy'la."

She leaned her forehead against his, her chocolate skin contrasting against his pale complexion. She could feel the intensity of the bond magnify, tingling as their minds were drawn together. "I love you too, Spock," she said, sending him all the love she had for him as she kissed him.


End file.
